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Relationships - Men and Women 
None of the jokes, funnies and one-liners are meant to insult, hurt or cause harm to anyone. If it does, we apologize sincerely. If you want anything taken off our site, please email us and we will review your request for consideration. Some of the launguage may be inappropriate for anyone under 16
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the right prescription
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up
to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would
like to buy some Cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the
law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have
any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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What If U Upgraded Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0
Dear Tech Support Team:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Sports 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
"A Troubled User"
_________________________________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that people complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!! !
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony- Child Support) .
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.
I suggest installing the background application patch "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5 .
Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Candle_Light_Dinners 2.1 and Jewelry 5.0
STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support ...
__________________________________________________________
Sexual Morality
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
"We live today in very difficult times for young people.
In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
Long live Bachelors
Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life !! -Anonymous
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. -Oscar Wilde
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. -Scottish Proverb
Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. -H. L. Mencken
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a tenyear married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye opener.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back home everytime. -Anonymous
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. That was only for the estimate. -Anonymous
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. -Anonymous
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied "My wife's first husband."
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first? The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u let him in! -Anonymous
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled " WOW ! It really works ! "
Which Gender is Intelligent ??
A Proof of which Gender is Intelligent, An English professor wrote the words:
"A woman without her man is nothing"
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly..
All of the males in the class wrote : "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the females in the class wrote : "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
Punctuation is powerful!!
Words Women Use
Fine:
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
***********
Five Minutes:
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
***********
Nothing:
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".
***********
Go Ahead:
This is a dare, not permission. WARNING: DON'T DO IT!
***********
Loud Sigh:
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
***********
That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
***********
Thanks:
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.
Good laugh for Women (and guys, too!!)
One day my housework challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma "
And they say woman are dumb...
**********
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
**********
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
**********
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
**********
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your email?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACH
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:.
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE:
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."
&
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD:
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
My Mother taught me ESP:
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me HUMOR:
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My Mother taught me about SEX:
"How do you think you got here?"
My Mother taught me about GENETICS:
"You're just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS:
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE:
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My Mother taught me about JUSTICE:
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you'll see what it's like."
My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because
I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: Don't Exaggerate!! !"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
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| GUFFAWABLES
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A cyclone hit a Kansas farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It tore off the roof, and picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept were sleeping.
By some miracle, the cyclone set them down unharmed the next county over.
The wife was sobbing uncontrollably. "Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said. "We're not hurt." Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she said between sobs. "I'm happy... this is the first time in 14 years we've been out together."
A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25-year-old fashion model.
They had a wonderful honeymoon in Switzerland but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalised. When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money."
"Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed. "You've been so good to me already. If you go, I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you. Please... tell me what I can do?"
"Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm an honest loyal wife, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check.. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
Women are evil
Women are evil if they don't get what they need....
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'
'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued,
Running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him, There's no toilet paper, hand soap or paper towels in the ladies room.'
Girls vs. Grown Women
Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.
Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits
**********
Girls want to control the man in their life.
Grown women know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.
**********
Girls check you for not calling them.
Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn't.
**********
Girls are afraid to be alone.
Grown women revel in it-using it as a time for personal growth.
**********
Girls ignore the good guys.
Grown women ignore the bad guys.
**********
Girls make you come home.
Grown women make you want to come home.
**********
Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.
Grown women know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man.
**********
Girls try to monopolize all their man's time ( I.e., don't want him hanging with his friends).
Grown women realize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special-and goes to kick it with her own friends!
**********
Girls think a guy crying is weak.
Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.
**********
Girls want to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so.
Grown women 'show' him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate without fear of losing his 'manhood'.
**********
Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.
Grown women know that that was just one man.
**********
Girls fall in love and chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all 'signs'.
Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, don't always love you back-and move on, without bitterness.
**********
Girls will read this and get an attitude.
Grown women will read this and pass it on to other Grown women and their male friends".
Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Every man should marry. - After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
Children in backseats cause accidents - Accidents in backseats cause children
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.... What more can I say........
"Work fascinates me" - I can look at it for hours!
There should be a better way to start a day - Than waking up every morning
Always tell your wife the truth
A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.
At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"
She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. "Where the hell have you been?"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"
*********
Moral of the story : Always tell your wife the truth. She won't believe you anyway.
Another one....
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"
You'll love the answer...
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."
A Girl is giving directions to her new boyfriend to get to her apartment.
She says: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex where I live and look for apartment 14A, and with your elbow push button 14A. Come inside and you'll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 14. When you get out of the elevator you'll find my apartment on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll open the door for you"
The boyfriend says: "Dear, that sounds very easy to find, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow ?"
"Oh my God!! You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"
A young Chinese restauranteur marries a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darling," he whispers, "I know this is you first time and you are scared. I pomise you, I do anything - just anything you want. You just ask. he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try something I have heard about from other girls... 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a very puzzled tone he asks her... "You want... Garlic Chicken with coulliflower?"
Love vs Marriage
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home from a carryout place.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from the children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.
TV has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".
Conclusion: " Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"
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