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Politics 
None of the jokes, funnies and one-liners are meant to insult, hurt or cause harm to anyone. If it does, we apologize sincerely. If you want anything taken off our site, please email us and we will review your request for consideration. Some of the launguage may be inappropriate for anyone under 16
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"I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.
I mean, that's a storybook, man."
--Sen. Joe Biden (D-DE) on Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL)
"It did take a Clinton to clean up after the first Bush, and I think it might take another one to clean up after the second Bush."
--Hillary Clinton during a debate
"Hillary is not the first politician in Washington to declare 'Mission Accomplished' a little too soon."
--Sen. Barack Obama
"I would have to...investigate more of Bill's dancing abilities, you know, and some of this other stuff before I accurately judge whether he was in fact a brother."
--Sen. Barack Obama on whether Bill Clinton was "our first black president"
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"I'm older than dirt, I've got more scars than Frankenstein, but I've learned a few things along the way."
---Sen John Mccain
"Washington is a Hollywood for ugly people.
Hollywood is a Washington for the simpleminded."
---Sen John Mccain
"We spent $3 million to study the DNA of bears in Montana.
I don't know if that was a paternity issue or a criminal issue."
--- Sen John Mccain on wasteful congressional spending
"I spent several years in a North Vietnamese prison camp, in the dark, fed with scraps.
Do you think I want to do that all over again as vice president of the United States?"
--- Sen John Mccain
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| FUNNY QUOTES
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"I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency - even if I am in a Cabinet meeting." - Ronald Reagan
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?". - Abraham Lincoln
"In my White House, we will know who wears the pantsuits." - Hillary Clinton, on the role her husband will play in her adminstration
"I ask you, what should we be looking for in our next president? Certainly, someone who is very, very, very old." - John McCain on Saturday Night Live
"Outside of the killings, Washington DC has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." - Marion Barry, former mayor of Washington DC
"In case you missed it, a few days ago Senator Clinton tried to spend $1 million on the Woodstock Concert Museum.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, I wasn't there. I'm sure it was a cultural and pharmaceitucal event. I was tied up at the time." - John McCain on Saturday Night Live
"We've had a congress that's spent money like John Edwards at a beauty shop." - Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee
"I want to start by saying something nice about President Bush. Of all the presidents we've had with the last name of Bush, his economic plan ranks in the top two." - Senator John Kerry
"A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen."
- Winston Churchill
"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."
- Pres. George W. Bush
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
- Pres. Harry S Truman
"The problem with political jokes is they get elected."
- Anonymous
"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex...uh...setbacks." ? George Bush, Sr.
"I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ? Ronald Reagan
"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?" ? Former DC Mayor Marion Barry
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." ? Dan Quayle
"I don't want to be invited to the family hunting party." ? Sen. Barack Obama, on revelations that he and Dick Cheney are eighth cousins.
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As you know, my position is clear -- I'm the Commander Guy." ? George W. Bush, the president formerly known as "The Decider"
"On this Memorial Day, as our nation honors its unbroken line of fallen heroes -- and I see many of them in the audience here today -- our sense of patriotism is particularly strong."? Barack Obama
"I've now been in 57 states -- I think one left to go."? Barack Obama at a campaign event in Beaverton, Oregon
"The role of the vice president is to break ties in the Senate and inquire daily into the health of the president."? John McCain
"She's a partner and a soul-mate." - John McCain, on his vice presidential pick, Sarah Palin, whom he had met only once before offering her the job, ? "FOX News Sunday" interview, Aug. 31, 2008
"They are also building schools for the Afghan children so that there is hope and opportunity in our neighboring country of Afghanistan." --? "Sarah Palin, speaking at a fundraiser in San Francisco, Oct. 5, 2008
"I'll try to find you some and I'll bring them to you." - Sarah Palin, asked by Katie Couric to cite specific examples of how John McCain has pushed for more regulation in his 26 years in the Senate, CBS News interview, Sept. 24, 2008
"As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?" - Sarah Palin, interview with CNBC's "Kudlow & Co", July 2008
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